Today I made some delicious salsa. The good kind filled with fresh peppers of multiple varieties, rich, red tomatoes off the vine and onion powder (oops, store fail).
Making salsa is not new to me; it reminds me of me newly wed days, anticipating every taste that my husband would take, hoping it would bring him joy and satisfaction (it did). It also reminds me of my family. More specifically, it reminds me of my brother, Sam. Sam made the best salsa.
Past tense speaking of a loved one is hard; losing someone in your most inner circle is devastating. Sam, my younger brother, died last August. It was a capstone on a challenging season.
I stopped making salsa several years ago:
There was that time I was on bedrest for two months with my first born and was later diagnosed with a thyroid disease.
There was that time when my husband, daughter and I moved back to the city from the mountains and lived with my parents. By my own choice, my mom's salsa trumped my own and I conceded in the kitchen.
There was that time when we bought a crusty old cat-lady house and moved in during my first trimester of pregnancy with my second baby. major renovation projects and pregnancy nausea are not partners.
Then I was heavily pregnant (emphasis of the heavy), chasing after a one year old.
I was also helping with my mom's recovery from a major back surgery.
And then we lost Sam.
Seven months later, I am resurfacing. I no longer have a newborn, I am sleeping(ish), and I have a tremendous support group of girlfriends (my mom included) who have rallied by my side. They are watching my kids so I can get counseling, so I can go exercise, so I can... WHO CARES! They are just watching them so I can take time to remember and mourn and dream and find my love for life again.
As the bamboo wind chime clink around outside and my children both sleep (at the same time!), I reflect on the vibrant sense of life that is stirring in my spirit. I am grateful for my support system: my husband, my friends, my family .I am grateful for springtime and the abundance of sunshine and new life. And I am grateful for fresh salsa.
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Monday, June 3, 2013
Cora's Home Birth Story
Cora Sunshine Jones- first morning on the outside |
I'm nearly six weeks out and am finally ready to revisit Cora's birth story.
The whole labor preparation began around six months in my pregnancy with a lot of preterm labor issues. In February, I was 70% effaced and therefore put on bed rest for six weeks until I was 37 weeks along. At 38 weeks, my contractions escalated to a daily occurrence, so it's difficult to say exactly when my labor began. However, at my 39 week appointment, my midwife Alli thought the birth would be sometime that week, which prompted my friend of life, Gina (who is conveniently a midwife as well), to fly out from Texas to be there with me as the labor approached.
40 Week Appointment |
Early Morning Contractions |
Somehow I managed a smile during this awkward little photo. :) |
I decided to take a shower and brush my teeth in hopes to relax and get some sleep before everything picked up, but that was a fleeting hope. My contractions were strong from the start and were about two minutes apart from midnight on. Jake was taking notes religiously (presh) throughout the night. He called Alli around 2:00am and kept her updated as I progressed. At 3:00am my parents arrived and I remember thinking I didn't want them to disturb my peaceful atmosphere. I had Gina greet them and ease them into the environment I was trying to keep.
Jake's Precious Notes |
Future Grandparents! I love how excited my mom is and how tired my dad is. |
I was definitely in my groove and time was going by quickly. Alli arrived at 5am and moved me down to the birth pool that we had set up in the kitchen. The sun was starting to rise, my contractions were starting to peak and it was looking like my baby girl was going to be born within a few hours! I remember writhing around in the pool and clinging to Jake's neck (what a guy to be in the pool with me!) as the whispers of my helpers were suggesting I was in transition. I could hardly believe that I was already so close to the end, since transition was the stage right before pushing. I didn't want to get distracted with timing or unmet hopes, so I tried to not get too caught up in the excitement that I might be done soon. I went back into focus mode and kept my momentum from contraction to contraction. My mom was asking me if I felt "pushy", but I didn't. I guess that's not the best news.
Birth Pool- Not a bad view of the mountains! |
Birth pool support. Best husband ever! |
At 9:00am, I still was not feeling any urge to push, but my contractions were monstrous. Alli decided I should get out of the tub and go back to my bed to try a few different positions to see if that would help things move along more. I also began pushing at this point. The contractions kept coming like an earthquake in intervals. 10:00am, 11:00am, 12:00pm... the hours kept passing and the baby was not making any progress into the birth canal. At this point, my helpers were whispering among themselves, which was making me anxious. Didn't they say I was in transition? Why wasn't I progressing? My baby's heartbeat was strong and steady and wasn't showing any signs of trauma, but it was starting to get concerned that she wasn't descending. We decided to have Alli break my water to see if that would help things out. When the water broke, there was a slight discoloration due to some meconium that was released. When I saw that, it was difficult for me to not be concerned. In all the research I had done for labor, the presence of meconium is a sign of a distressed baby. However, none of my help seems to have a concern because the meconium was so light. So I trusted them and tried to focus through the contractions with a renewed hope that the ruptured membranes would stimulate some movement for my baby.
Around 2:00pm, I remember thinking "I just can't do this anymore". I was scared for the baby and myself and I was exhausted. I began weighing the idea of a 30 minute car ride to the hospital, but that sounded almost worse than staying at home weathering the contractions. I told Gina "I hate home birth". I also proclaimed "This is the worst day of my life". Both of those proclamations are funny now, but at the time I was so serious! I was starting to mentally drain. It had been 15 hours by this point of heavy contractions and I was so tired. I had been pushing for 5 hours and my baby's heartbeat was still in the same spot, her head still at a -2 station. The only reassurance I had was that her heartbeat was steady.
Somewhere in this time frame, my mom (a former labor and delivery nurse) gave me instructions on how to capitalize on my contractions and how to push into them instead of tense up during them. Although I had learned this prior to the birth, hearing it during the birth really helped and got me focused. She also sent out a text to a group of believers to pray for us. We were all a little concerned and something needed to change or else we would be rushing to the hospital. Within 20 minutes after that text was send out, my baby began descending. That is not a coincidence!
The only evidence of my labor noises. I love this picture! |
I had an anterior cervical lip (aka the cervix was not fully dialated), so Alli was pulling it back so the baby's head could descend over the lip. At some point, I had a catheter put in to see if a full bladder that would not empty was possibly holding up the progress. I also was put on oxygen to try to give me some extra energy. At 8,000 feet, I think that some extra oxygen is helpful! It was all a blur for the next to hours of pushing, making some pretty intense noises, and waiting to hear any sign of downward movement. Different positions, Jake with me the whole time, doing everything I could possibly to get her out.
Around 3:45pm, Alli told me with firmness "Ally, you need to get her out." I guess my baby's heart rate started showing signs of distress. Although I didn't know about the heart rate, those words along gave me the extra urgency I needed to muster up strength from who-knows-where and get her out. Thankfully, I didn't see Alli prepare the resuscitation gear. Alli later answered my question of what she was thinking about during that stage with "Resuscitation". I didn't realize how close we were to a lot of scary outcomes. I can't even go there mentally. All I choose to do is be thankful for a positive outcome.
When the head started crowning, I saw tears of relief in Jake's eyes. I saw the little head and it was full of dark hair! It was also so tiny looking. The head looked like the size of a tennis ball. Little did I know, that was just the tip of an extreme cone head. The whole birth was recorded, although I don't plan on watching it... ever. Although I didn't see it, everyone present reports that when she came out, she was on her stomach and pushed herself up with her arms and made direct eye contact with Gina. Gina was totally caught off guard! What newborn does that?!?
I heard her little cry and before I knew it, her slimy, vernix-covered body was placed on my chest. I got a shot of Petocin immediately after she was out to prevent hemorrhaging due to the long labor I had and thankfully, I had no issues with that! The first thing I though was how she looked like my aunt. I was in awe. I truly didn't believe that the labor would ever end. Toward the end of the afternoon, I was imagining all the worst-case scenarios, so to have her out and healthy was just a dream. Jake was right beside me and my little family was safe, healthy and perfect! Jake had tears that I didn't find until a few days later when I processed everything.
Cora Sunshine Jones was born at 4:45pm on April 27, 2013. She was 8lbs 1oz and was 20 inches long. She is the light of my life and has brought so much joy and love to my heart. I am so blessed!
So much emotion in this picture! |
One of Cora's first friends- Auntie Geen |
First morning. Already sticking her tongue out. :) |
Proud Dad! |
This grandma is crazy about Cora! |
Friday, July 6, 2012
The Chair
Amidst the chaos of moving, I decided I needed to upholster a chair. I did some pretty intense Craigslist scouring and found this gem of a chair for free. Jake rose to hero status when I couldn't fit the chair in my car; I hid it in the bushes for him to retrieve later, which he did. Success!
In all it's beauty |
My mom came over to help me out with my project in the midst of the Colorado heat wave. Temp's over 100 and no air conditioning make a perfect environment to head to the basement... with a fan... and some ice water. Right away, we started by taking the material off the chair. This "free chair" actually paid me to take it- I made $1.66 in change found in the cushions and also found a little pocket knife (the rest of the findings will be unmentioned...).
Mid-Upholstry |
I picked up some fabric at JoAnn's that I loved and decided to be creative with this process. My mom was AMAZING throughout the process and was so helpful. She came over 4 separate times! This chair took a lot of work, but turned out so great. Thanks, Mom! :)
Finished Product:
Striking a pose with our masterpiece |
Now I just need to find another project to keep my mom busy. :)
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Some Thursday Inspiration
Hey Friends,
I just thought you might like some weekday encouragement from the most precious kid ever:
I just thought you might like some weekday encouragement from the most precious kid ever:
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
I Feel Like I Could Have Written This...
I have had several conversations lately with family and friends about the differences between men and women; so often I find myself defending females, picking up the pieces of a society that often considers my gender emotionally crazy and/or weak. This article, which deals with that very issue, is phenomenal:
Such a Girl
20MondayFeb 2012
I didn’t wear pink until I was 23 years old. It was too girly for me. Growing up, my best friend was my brother. Throughout school, I was encouraged to compete academically and then professionally with impressive and charismatic men. If there’s one thing I didn’t want to do, it was wear pink.
Besides wanting to be taken seriously, I honestly thought a no-nonsense, emotionally unexpressive woman was the most attractive thing to a man. My guy friends told me how crazy they thought women were for getting caught up in romantic fantasies and emotional blubbery. Together we agreed that I was not like that. I wasn’t girly.
One man’s perspective of girly-girls is comically satired in the Sh*t Girls Say viral video on Youtube. He puts on a wig and many (adorable) dresses, looking a little too good in lipstick and heels. I laughed hysterically, recognizing the truth in such statements as, “get these chips away from me,” and, “that poor dog needs water!” Still, something bothered me about it. It was the fact that it was called, “Sh*t.”
Uniquely feminine expressions are referred to as trash, refuse, waste. Why do we interpret being a girl as a bad thing?
Men aren’t the only ones mocking girly-ness. In a Kelly Clarkson song, she tells her boyfriend in the second verse:
“Now you’re up in arms because I say we’re not working out - You wonder if I loved you from the start well I tell you what - I knew a guy who changed my world - And then he grew to a little girl.”
Finally she breaks out into her pop-star anthem chorus singing, “Don’t Be A Girl About It.”
Don’t be a girl about it. And it’s supposed to be cute because it’s coming from a girl. Think about what is really being said by this statement. She is communicating that being ridiculous, unreasonable and irrationally emotional are the essence of our sex. Yet Kelly comes across sounding almost empowered when essentially she’s saying, “HA! Now YOU’RE the weak one…like a girl!”
We are all guilty of this subliminal subversion. We don’t say, “you’re too sensitive,” we say, “you’re such a girl,” much like we would say, “you’re an idiot,” in a condescending way.
What has gone wrong here? The strength of a woman is now viewed as her weakness. A woman’s great strength is her vulnerability. This is a delicate, deep and important revelation to wrap our heads around. My strength is my softness.
This softness flourishes in a caring environment: which is difficult to come by. Instead, we have been taught to weather the elements by getting rid of our vulnerability. Much of this is because men are not protecting us but taking advantage. I realize, this goes against years of feminist progressive thought that says we don’t need men. That is another topic altogether. My point is, instead of trying to buck girly stereotypes, why aren’t we bucking the stereotype that being a girl is a bad thing?
We are the delicate beauties. The dust twice refined. We are more emotional and freer with our tears, laughter and hugs. We can empathize with strangers and are fierce protectors of children. We are harborers and sustainers of new life. We can believe in the impossible and never give up.
While all of these are female stereotypes some of us will be angry that I mentioned, why don’t we take a moment and ask ourselves why it makes us angry. It is that very anger that I’m addressing. Why are any of these things bad and why would we not want them to be characteristic of our sex?
Think about it this way. If I were writing to men and said, “You are strong protectors and providers. You are fashioned to lead and flourish in courageous endeavors. You are builders of buildings and climbers of mountains,” would they be deeply offended? Why should they be? These are all positive. They are all necessary for humanity. No, not all of them are true of everyone and do not limit the totality of each man individually. But they are particularly celebrated in men.
Now, ladies. Could it be that we are indoctrinated to not celebrate the uniqueness of our gender? And could it be that this indoctrination IS FROM WOMEN, perpetuated BY US?
I am pleading guilty to doing this without even realizing it. Every time I apologize for being “such a girl,” I am inadvertently undermining my sex because I’m insecure about my vulnerability. When I say someone else is “such a girl,” I imply I am less like a girl therefore more like a man and therefore better. THAT is what is truly shameful; that I feel more empowered as a woman when I feel more like a man. Are you guilty of the same?
One small step that can break this cycle is eradicating the term, “such a girl,” from our language. We should not say it about ourselves, our friends, our families or even our enemies. It is a manipulative tool to silence our emotions through shame in our gender. If a woman OR MAN acts solely on emotion instead of wisdom and common sense, we say this person is a fool, not a girl.
The term we should be using for one another is, “quite a woman,” remembering that when we feel, particularly for others, we are uniquely and divinely expressing our humanity.
I still don’t wear pink. Not because I don’t want to look girly but because I just don’t like it. But I unapologetically cry in front of men I respect when I hear about injustices. It is my unique, sincere, and divine expression of God’s heart, empowering me because I’m quite a woman.
What is yours?
Friday, January 13, 2012
Notice the Links :)
This weekend, I am heading to a youth conference in Larkspur, Colorado with my organization, Friends First. I'm trying to psyche myself up and get in the mindset of teenagers:
I'm doing a workshop on nonverbal communication. I'll be starting off with this cute little video and then will be incorporating the roller coaster/toilet skit from when I was in youth group. For all those who don't know what that is, a few unsuspecting volunteers act out a roller coaster ride, while the audience thinks they are demonstrating their bathroom habits. Back in the day, it seriously brought the house down. We'll see how well it goes over.... (should I be nervous?!?) Add into the weekend and Amazing Race themed activity, and phenomenal guest speakers, and I think it should be a hit! I love my job.
Another bonus is Jake's company Christmas party tonight. His boss really goes all out and treats employees (and family!) to a high-end meal once a year as a thank you. So excited to try out Shanahan's, because Jake and I are not in the right income bracket to afford a meal there on our own. :)
Also, I just feel like I should mention the peculiar Zumba class I took last night. I truly loved when the only male in the room (at least 55) was shaking his hips and "bosum". Ole'!
I'm doing a workshop on nonverbal communication. I'll be starting off with this cute little video and then will be incorporating the roller coaster/toilet skit from when I was in youth group. For all those who don't know what that is, a few unsuspecting volunteers act out a roller coaster ride, while the audience thinks they are demonstrating their bathroom habits. Back in the day, it seriously brought the house down. We'll see how well it goes over.... (should I be nervous?!?) Add into the weekend and Amazing Race themed activity, and phenomenal guest speakers, and I think it should be a hit! I love my job.
Another bonus is Jake's company Christmas party tonight. His boss really goes all out and treats employees (and family!) to a high-end meal once a year as a thank you. So excited to try out Shanahan's, because Jake and I are not in the right income bracket to afford a meal there on our own. :)
Also, I just feel like I should mention the peculiar Zumba class I took last night. I truly loved when the only male in the room (at least 55) was shaking his hips and "bosum". Ole'!
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Weekend Update
A little update of my weekend:
- This video/song. Cannot stop listening to it.
- Best non-Super Bowl Broncos game I have ever seen! If you missed it...
- Cooking. LOTS of cooking. Jake and I are on a special eating plan called the Daniels Fast aka vegan on (plant product only) steroids. It's a detox and is very specific about what you can eat, hence my cooking weekend.
- The Hunger Games. Say what you want, I love them. Watch this trailer:
- Taking Jake to IKEA. He was a little stressed, but managed to find a couple necessities before retreating.
And those are my weekend highlights. :) Happy new week!
- This video/song. Cannot stop listening to it.
- Best non-Super Bowl Broncos game I have ever seen! If you missed it...
- Cooking. LOTS of cooking. Jake and I are on a special eating plan called the Daniels Fast aka vegan on (plant product only) steroids. It's a detox and is very specific about what you can eat, hence my cooking weekend.
- The Hunger Games. Say what you want, I love them. Watch this trailer:
- Taking Jake to IKEA. He was a little stressed, but managed to find a couple necessities before retreating.
And those are my weekend highlights. :) Happy new week!
Labels:
Broncos,
Cooking,
Music,
The Hunger Games,
Weekend Adventure
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)